Friday, November 4, 2016

His and Hers

It's there, in front of my face. Dead birds don't fly. It's a grower not a shower. Cruel words and phrases emerge in my brain. I wait there hoping that the resentment subsides. Apparently feelings of resentment are the fastest and most absolute way to destroy a relationship. I hate him and I hate his flaccid, failing fucking cock. I loathe his cock. If I could bite it off I would, the rage in me is so strong at this moment.
He never used to be impotent. We used to have hours and hours of fun fucking, sucking, wanking his beautiful appendage. It never was the biggest but it, to my mind, was the best and most beautiful penis I have ever had the pleasure of. A wondrous staff and always an orgasmic ride.
There is always a but.
We wanted children. Cue LOTS of fucking, lots of giggling, a lot of grown up sexy time. We breathed each other, an inhalation of pheromones, lust, and love. Creating new life; a new connection between us.
I didn't get pregnant. Oh fuck, this is all my fault. That's all that went round and round in my head. Doubt at first, swiftly followed by self loathing; self hate. I was a useless woman, a shell, my shit body wouldn't do what it was meant to do. This useless fucking flesh sack. For the first time since I was a teen I wanted to cut my flesh off.
Then I found out it was you not me. Your sperm count was so low it would be a bloody miracle to conceive. That was the start of me hating you; thinking that you were the lowest of the low. That was when you started to have erectile problems. 'Your erection, our relationship' the self help pamphlet said. It was the worst, you were the worst. You went from being a useless fucking man to a pathetic, shrivelled wimp. Stupid, useless man.
Out of this hateful reverie I look up and see your sad eyes look down at me. My heart sinks. How can I even think such poisonous thoughts? You are kind and generous and the most beautiful soul that I have ever been touched by. I am filled instantly with regret, full of sorrow.
'I love you,' you whisper hoarsely. You are filled with emotions that make me love you more.
'I love you too.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We agreed to the oral sex. I am so nervous because I am not sure if I can get it up. I used to love getting head, you are so good at it, you are amazing at it. Were amazing at it...before. Before this all happened. We were amazing together. I miss 'us' as we were, I mourn 'us'. My heart aches.
I recall how we were before we found out that I have no sperm. I am a useless man, a shell of a man. I try not to fall into self loathing but the cancer of it grows through my soul shredding my sense of self worth. I am in tattered rags, so fragile that even a look from you will make me crumble. Please don't look at me like that, please.
I try and hide my depression from you. I guess you suspect that I am not ok because you are a smart woman. I have always loved smart women, they are the best. I am not sure though because I know that you are in your own personal hell. I want to pull you out of it but I can't and that makes me feel like I am a useless bastard of a husband.
Emotions jumble within me as I try and push the suicidal thoughts away, banishing them, but they have become my near constant companion these last few months. I don't know when they started, as they insidiously crept into my mind. I know how I would like to do it, to end it all. I am no longer afraid of death, some days I long for it but I am not yet at that point. I hope never to reach it. I still have some hope no matter how faded. You are my life, you are my light and I have let you down. I love you, with my whole heart, with everything I have in me. I just hope that you still love me back.
Choking back the tears I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Just like my cock. I roll my eyes at my own self disgust.
'I love you,' creeps out of my mouth.
You look up with your beautiful amber eyes and tell me you love me too.
Let the blow job begin.

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1 comment:

  1. OMG woman, you break my heart with your beautiful stories. This one is so raw and the agony they go through breaks my heart!

    Rebel xox